Midnight Musings 2

Imagine watching a series of depressing happenings, only in this case, the actor is you.

Sometimes life deals one a serious blow, you either choose to get up or stay down flat on your face.
Mid life crisis can leave one in a state of PMS.

To go through different phases of disappointments, rejections, anxiety, restlessness, mood swings and all kinds of crazy.

Some fellow on twitter once said "why do sad people enjoy making other people sad"..You know there is nothing more depressing and energy sapping than a sad or bitter company.

In the past year I met a lot of angry women, the "victims", the self destructive, the cynics and the man eaters. I am not exactly different from these women, we all have our fair share of hurt and pain but I consciously resolved not to be in this position anymore.

When a woman is bitten every man becomes a victim, punished for the sins of another.
Going through a mid life crisis is a harrowing experience, a loss of a job, relationship, loved one, heartbreaks and all kinds of stones and spanners thrown in the wheels of your life.

Imagine the morning after a break up or being fired at the workplace, there are no right words of comfort for these experiences or explanations
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Really, its okay to be angry, its okay to rip those shirts, the pictures, letters and everything that reminds you but its not okay forever. You need to know when to cap it, when to exhale and let go.

Angry doesn't make good friends, sad people only attract sad people,the truth is no one really wants to be unhappy even if they do not exactly know what to do to be truly happy.

Having a man doesn't make happiness happier, its a beautiful experience to have someone to cuddle up with, a different sound of laughter something different from girly.
Negative expressions and confessions have a very speedy way of manifesting before positive ones you know bad things just know how to be bad.
So come on, buy a mirror and smile till your face aches and relaxes, when next you meet that guy don't be so angry, he may not have plans to ask you out but allow him some pleasantness.

Above everything, be pleasant to yourself, be true to yourself about what you got wrong or right, keep an open mind, keep your head up and do something beautiful for yourself. You deserve the world and her beauties.

Midnight Musings

Sometimes we look back at all the pain and complication and cannot remember how it got so bad. All the mistakes, all the wrongs road, the disappointments, the tears and the lies and still cannot say how we traveled so far leaving a trail of bleeding feet in these sands we hope won't forget.
We expect that our love will be reciprocated, but the only thing we get to hear is " I am sorry". How many more sorry would be sorry enough?

We expect that all our dreams will come true, but they don't quite come the way we dream, the unanswered prayers, the demands not met.

The point is we were missing something...missing understanding, freedom, clarity of vision above everything love.

When we find someone we love it is always about what we want and need, never a thought to what they want and if we fit into their plan. Love may love us but not in the way we want to be loved and that don't mean love don't love us.
We may pray so hard with conviction that we deserve answers but not exactly, are we honestly ready for that which we pray? Have we pondered on what God says?

Quitting is an option for some but the greatest healing is when we see God in ourselves, in others and in every situation. Everything is for a reason, and when we find that which we are missing, we may as well find faith in abundance and strength to consider quitting whenever we are faced with the option and say " I am sorry" but am no quitter.

Make me Numb..

Today is one of the longest days, it was a journey through a long dark tunnel.
Am so depressed and almost delusional and i have being that way since a time i can't remember.
I became a blogger because this blog is one part of the world and my existence that doesn't judge me i can go yada yada on my blog.
I want to leave a mark behind and affect lives so i blog

I hardly sleep at night and these days i do not want to wake up, i wish i had more hours of night because the day scares me and the night is soothing and protective of me.

I talk so much and laugh so much sometimes people doubt if i hurt, i hurt and am squashed inside and the only help i want is numbness.

Can you make all these go away,or can i wake up and be okay.
I am a huge evangelist of survival but am amazingly the weakest of creations.A friend of mine doesnt quite agree.
I wish i can begin to tell you how i wish that my life was different.I once heard that intellect and success is a burden but i have never believed that. You know i thought if i made more friends i would be fine but alone is a better friend. When the night comes i crawl up at the center of the bed which was my idea of creating prescence on the bed but now i have returned to a corner so am aware am alone.

Maybe, am in the wrong place or with the wrong crowd or maybe i have got my entire life wrong wow that's scary what would i do if that is true.

People who know me find it hard to believe am shy or scared of anything, the truth is am very shy and conscious of a lot of things but it will surprise you to know that eyes are what i find interesting in every human even if i cannot really look at anybody's eyes when am talking.I will do alot if you told me you were watching, i am most afraid of things and people than of happenings. Elevators scare me and i hate to prove a point really because i am not a big fan of baseless competition, i do not plan to conquer the world.

Today's post will bore you because it is so much of me and about me.

I want the numbness so i do not have to feel the shackles that bills have put around my feet, so i do not have to feel that my heart is bleeding and the other part of the bed is cold.
Make me numb because i have to live through these experiences and come out purified and sharpened to take my place among the stars.
Make me numb so i do not have to feel the stings of the tongues of my nasty judgemental friends.
Make me numb so i do not have to feel the chills of all this, so i do not have to take pills or count sheep to fall asleep.

Pour upon me a heavy dose of atmosphere and make see that God is there and has me in the hollow of his hands..

Make me numb

Life is for the Living

Waist deep in thoughts on how quickly life ends and how in a moment one becomes history.
All the things we should have said, all the things we should have done. Then again i think of all the things that could have gotten in the way of our feelings and thoughts.
we all are not exposed to the exact same or magnitude of experiences,Yeah we ought to thank the Creator in every circumstance but did we really have to go through all that?
When you look back at some experiences in the past, you may certainly well begin to question what values they brought to the table.
Life tutors say Live life to the fullest, i think they are right. Its pretty obvious life is for the living but to what extent do you go to live life to the fullest? What defines a well lived life or a fully lived life? Could it be the wealth of experiences, a mix and match of the valued and non-valued, could it also be the queue of smiley faces or a bunch of touched lives either by words or just being there,could it be a catalogue of spontaneous moments, dots of laughter, the adventures and misadventures?
There are a lot of fun stuff to do every passing day, you could chase them all but our time here will be wasted living the one channeled life.
Life should be a combo of everything not necessarily all the stuff at your disposal. Whose place is it to say really, what amounts to foolishness or what the limits should be, am only but a kindergarten in this school.
Experience they say is the best teacher and the taste of the pudding is in the eating. You may very well then do all you may as much as your shoulders can carry, light up as many bulbs as you can to keep the monkeys on the ceiling away,whatever makes you dream of bunnies and daffodils.
Just dust your shoes and hit the freeway, put your money where your mouth is and cash in, go skinny diving, life is for the living. The sun will rise in the morning and dispel the darkness of the night, be all you can be we only got one life.
You do not take gold or silver to the six-feet-below, you only take with you everything etched in your soul, you leave behind all the diamonds, weeping eyes and a catalogue of treasured or hurtful memories.
Kiss the sky and be alive, life is for the living.

Love is Beautiful I saw it on TV

A sales expert once said selling occurs in the spirit realm, man is body and spirit; the spirit is where the soul, mind and heart reside from where comes an emotion.
When you tell people you have emotional problems or needs they undermine what and how you feel but I must tell you emotion is one of God’s strongest creations and was placed in man for very strong reasons.

Everyone is a salesman and however way you look at it we are all selling and buying something. For whatever it is you are selling or buying be it love, sex, power, lust, hate, anger, confusion etc you must be wondering if all these are saleable? The moment there is an exchange in kind or cash, sales has taken place, the moment there is a conviction or a buy in or conversion to a different form other than what was, a paradigm shift of any sort, sales has occurred.

Life is about logic and emotions, a stable being is one who knows where to use logic and emotion. Logic which resides in the brain supports our emotions and justifies our decision but emotion will remain the core ingredient to a more stable life.

All that we are and will ever be comes from our hearts; a major battlefield laden with the ghosts of our past and the angels of our today in the wars of lust, love, confusion, fear, hate and freedom to prepare us for our tomorrow. Half the time when we hurt, we build walls of fear around us, we deny our former beliefs or uphold vehemently beliefs that make us inaccessible and less vulnerable.

Growing up as a child, I must admit for the first time that I was the weird one. I never liked dolls or teddies, my mama bought me a bunny and everyday I played Doctor with it, I fed it real food, I always carried out surgery on it and bath it everyday till it started smelling terribly, I hated insects and starved a moth by tying it in a white nylon, I stored a mantis in a cup and fed it leaves till I killed it, I preferred jigsaws and Lego(building blocks), I loved incredible hulk, hammer house of horror, Dempsey & Makepeace and any movie with guns or war.

At 14 when i began to notice romantic movies, it got me thinking if the things i saw in them were real, friends who read Mills & Boom will cry and apply stuffs like that to their relationships but I saw love exactly how it saw me. I saw love as selfless and not calculative. I still don’t understand the miracle behind love at first sight or love without borders.
People say they stop loving, I say I fall out of love with people but i really don't stop loving, i guess things just fly out of the window. I am one of those folks who claim perfect mastery of themselves but trust me when i say i have surprised myself countless times so i guess we all are capable of just about anything given the right motivation. We carry in us dormant or passive emotions like time bombs waiting to be triggered

I once said to a friend there is no love in this country, I said everything is all so calculative; we have already created the ones we want to love so as soon as we see them we open the scripts and start acting. I may have been wrong or right, but I have come to know now that our brains are like giant computers that look for matches based on past experiences, our beliefs, the way we were raised or unmet needs.
In most cases, people have brainwashed themselves to think that love is a solution or an escape from something just the way they saw it in Titanic. I tell you love the way you see it is the biggest trouble you can ever have and the most confusing thing you can experience.

To bask in love one must realign their beliefs and begin to see love differently. Love is not beautiful like what we saw in Titanic or on TV, life is.
Love is controlled by the mind, if you feed your soul, mind and heart with an information or paint to it the picture of whatever you want, like a robot it will identify subjects and will effectively launch an attack or make an approach. Some folks use love to cope with life problems, these folks need to fix their lives. Why for God’s sake do we fall in love? The answer is simple, we only fall in love with people who meet an unconscious criterion we have of course listed, so tell me how more calculative can it be?

Love is beautiful but not like it was painted on TV screens, the beauty of love is not exactly in the lustful pleasures it is in those unprintable moments that words cannot describe, the bonds and ties that only the ones bound can understand.

Love in Absentia

In the course of my budding career, I have met all sorts of men & women with many worries and desires. I have in this time learnt that our needs as human are very complicated even to us the needy,sad to say these needs may never be met.As our careers and dreams take shape, our needs grow and our problems deepen,creating a balance within the imbalance then becomes a primary need. The need for love,sex,acceptance,security,freedom,companionship however remain almost constant. At this point we often almost forget that our lives will not be like this forever.In relationships, we begin to seek mates who will fit into our current life style or pattern;in 10years am not sure what our needs would be. If we were machines I would say let's pick mates to suit our changing life patterns but who says we cannot? If we can deal with the demands why not. The demands of a fast paced and budding career is weighty, at this stage we make mistakes that appear light but they are indeed our gravest mistakes. Unfortunately, am not one who is open to explanations for my absence or why I can't be that sort of woman. Amidst the chaos, the web and automated living have become a fancy. I have over time in between failed relationships re-evaluated what I wanted from a relationship. Some men in my past I do not remember the details of whatever we had that was intimate, for the ones that meant more, I must have loved them in the chaos but I guess am a better friend and a demanding lover-so we never dated. As a matter of principle sex should never get in the way of love, business or war. Sex is great with a good mate, if the feeling is mutual there will be fire works. Now, this is the part where I get irritated. I do not believe in the quick lay for sex sake..the only reason I will have sex once is if it was bad or if I find out am loving the dude. My friends think am crazy when I say " love by correspondence" or "marriage in absentia" because I plan to retire before my prime it means my life will be fast paced till then because even if a man writes me into his will his whole family will not let me be,until when will I even get this wealth. Then again I want to grow old with the man I love so before the will is read I will be grey. In my deepest conciousness I wish I had a civil union as opposed to marriage, live together unmarried and be great partners, a companion for all time. I can't stand a lying husband and a broken marriage I must say and I can't hope against odds that he won't cheat or I won't get up and disappear. Till such a time when love finds me it will be with my soul mate a man like me the one who would love me absentia, such a man who would cherish, simple things, such a man who would live inside my blackberry, love dinner or breakfast because that's what we may ever have, the one without a time table for sex or mood swings, the one that will sit calm and laugh silently as I tear down the roof because am angry, the one that will not start a phone talk with "where are you"..the man that will love my hustle and my need to have my own bread and not say am competing or being a man because you are still taking me to Taj Mahal no matter how much bread I have..

Voices from the neighborhood.......

In this neighborhood we live in, we are often scared of been labeled anything other than a good name, a man once said (i do not remember his name now) "you never know what burden reputation is until you loose it".

I have been thinking since i am already wearing a reputation that could pass for bad in some locations and good in another location. I have decided to validate myself and ask myself what my reputation is, and i have come to the conclusion that everyone is right because of the nature of my being, i am only what you want to see but ultimately i will leave a legacy and touch lives. Apparently i have come to know that regardless of all the grammar we speak and how much we try to come up with favorable ideas about what our lives should be, God ultimately has the master plan and He is the originator of all we will be.....so this brings me to the part where i say stop freaking out

Our lives are like open doors where we really do not have any control as to what have been programmed into our destinies, circumstances come and go, wealth, poverty, health, sickness, love, hate and all sorts make their exits and entrances into our lives at their own time and pace and all we can do is just wait for the times to change again. Sometimes we rave, rant, worry and are happy over what we get but it is appointed unto us that there is and will be a time for everything. So regardless of all our desperate efforts sometimes to change our circumstances, we may never in real sense do much except when it falls into the season's end of whatever phase we find ourselves. Now that takes me to the point where i ask again what prayers and thoughts do for us?

Bottomline is as a man thinks so he is and ask and you shall receive and i guess they go hand in hand, think it, ask it and in your palms they shall arrive. So who are we to question what we have now? why do we then question the things we have, where we are, what we are now, who we love or even dislike....it is for a season but all directed towards ultimate goodness because the creator can never will that ill luck befall you but permission may be given to the originator of wickedness to try, so tears may come, pain may follow, heartbreaks may be a frequent guest but the sun will come in the morning and your morning will come.

So the question now becomes.....what do you do with what you have in your hands? HE asked Moses what do you have in your hands? and it was with that rod that he saved and punished equally all who deserved it and even made him important amongst his people.

Do not be deterred by the voices from the neighborhood or be forced to misuse an opportunity, do the best you can and seek no compliments from no one because all man will be too himself on the journey of the dead, all men are alone with their conscience at night when they go to bed, so think it through before you throw that brother out because the voices in the neighborhood said he was no good and not your level, be mindful before you deny that sister the opportunity for that one chance of a life time because the voices said jeez she is crap and not worth your while.....

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. People should not really say what you deserve or don't deserve.....when the Son of man came, they said to him all them neighborhood voices said what are you doing with a prostitute, the tax collector and all them low life people, sinners, adulterers and them all bad people.....if He had stopped loving for a single y'all be lost now.....our ultimate destinies may be fulfilled in the craziest and most undignifying of things......who can say anyway? we do not know the mind of the creator.....so if loosing sleep over me makes you happy and am responding positively and the neighborhood says am no good and even you, if you stopped it may not really hurt but if you do it in the purest of heart, you may be sun that will come in my morning, the real deal that my life needed

Love all you can, live life all the way that's possible, do all there is to do in the pureness of heart, if it makes you happy and it puts a smile on a face do it.......how we deal with all entrances before the exits of people and stuff that come our way is how we will be judged....to whom much is given, much is expected, if i say am unlucky because i have loads of bad experiences and make countless mistakes, i think it means i probably have alot to give and a lot to learn and so do y'all who walk by everyday on my pathway.....